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The official blog of familyWORKZ™

March 20, 2009

Ground Rules

Filed under: Couples,Families — Tags: — admin @ 11:02 pm

People in crisis keep doing the same thing over and over again because they don’t know what to do other than what they always do. Interestingly, under conditions of crisis, individuals are unable to remain indifferent and apathetic. Instead, our nature is to take action. To test your crisis savvy, contemplate your answer to the following question:

“When you don’t know what to do, what do you do?”

If you are stuck and feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or helpless, the way you answered the above question likely helps explain the situation you are in right now. To begin finding your way out of an impossible situation and getting yourself UNSTUCK start by exploring and redefining the “ground rules” that influence your circumstance. For example, when life gets the better of you and feel put down, do you get even? If so, try for one week following ground rule #1.

Ground Rule #1 – Surrender the right to get even and see what happens next.

Another example: when nothing seems to be going right do you retreat to safety and give up? If so, try following for one week ground rule #2.

Ground Rule #2 – Take risks and be willing to make new mistakes.

Another example: when you feel overwhelmed by circumstances or just the hassles of everyday life, do you stop dead in your tracks? If so, try following for one week ground rule #3.

Ground Rule #3 – get up, get going, and start anywhere.

What ground rules can you think of that once chosen will change everything?

March 17, 2009

What’s Next?

Filed under: divorce — Tags: — admin @ 7:40 pm

The whole concept of divorce is easier to swallow than digest. 

Think about being in the middle of a relationship that has reached its breaking point. You’ve tried everything, yet the level of emotional distress remains intolerable. When daily hassles mount and the strain of life’s difficulties become impossible, what we lose is our connection with one of life’s most precious gifts – HOPE.  When this happens, the one thing people begin to set their sights on is RELIEF. The quickest and most decisive form of relief comes about by splitting apart. When separated, the most pressing problems end. However, after separation, what happens to the family?

“What’s next?”

A critical point in divorce that most people confuse is that it is so easy to forget that the person you divorce is the same person you married. The difference is that amidst divorce more personality shows up. In fact, when stress becomes uninterrupted and people reach their elastic limit, by nature, people go back to their default mode of functioning, they go back to life’s most basic survival skill – self defense. This is where personality takes over. When we feel eternally misunderstood or mistreated it is only natural to defend ourselves. This defense shows up in the form a wide spectrum of dark emotions – anger, anxiety, fright, guilt, shame, sadness, and disgust. Having this inner experience of emotional turmoil, we must get it out. We must express our inner reality. This is done provocatively and effectively by turning on our personality. Now, when our personality is out front and center, typically the other person has no idea how to interact with us. So, “what’s next?” If you are the person being confronted by the other person’s personality, don’t insist that that person seek individual therapy. Instead, seek counsel yourself for the sole purpose of learning how to connect with that personality so that you can rediscover the humanity of the individual you once loved.

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