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The official blog of familyWORKZ™

October 11, 2009

Divorce Questions

Filed under: divorce — admin @ 8:32 am

Families are uniquely encrypted with a private code, a secret language that speaks of an underlying eternal structure. Ideally speaking, nesting snuggly within the bosom of the nuclear family is a clear boundary separating the protection and comforts of the family bond from the uncertainties and cheerlessness of rest of the world. Divorce denotes that specific cultural moment when the family’s secret is broken and the line between them and us becomes blurred, when substance and meaning are eternally altered.

In the September 25, 2000 edition of Time magazine, the cover story raised the now aged-old dilemma concerning divorce: Should a couple stay together for the sake of the kids?” The author points out that, “for adults, divorce is a conclusion, but for children it’s the beginning of uncertainty.” This statement is exceptionally insightful and speaks directly to one of the therapeutic messages delivered in the Walsh et al. chapter: “it is important for clinicians to normalize the initial post-divorce crisis period as transitional, framing problems in relation to the process and identifying common issues that are likely to arise.” Following on the heels of this accommodating and supportive posture I would qualify that there is no “normal” or “common” divorce. Just as each family has its own private code, so to does this secret language uniquely and contextually influence the transactional process of divorce.

With the exception of a family contaminated by substance or physical abuse, clearly, there is no good time for divorce. Divorce is a “culturally unscheduled event.” It can happen at any point in the marital career and family life cycle. Moreover, divorce typically is not announced by invitation. Can you imagine?

Dear Children & Extended Family Members…

We request the honor of your presence at the divorce of your parents on the seventh of February two thousand and one at two o’clock in the afternoon.

Nor is divorce politely discussed among family members around the dinner table: “Hey Sis, Dad just told me about the affair he’s been having for the last few months. How long do you think he should be grounded?”

They say that wisdom is provoked through questioning one’s reality. If so, then contemplate the following questions and see what wisdom rises to the surface.

Remember, every divorce is exceptional, extraordinarily.

1. Does a lousy marriage beat a great divorce?

2. How does that same great divorce stack up against a “good enough” marriage?

3. Is there such a thing as a “good enough” divorce?

4. Does time heal all wounds? Or does the legacy of divorce pathologically prevail?

5. Is the therapist a benevolent healer or agent of social change?

6. What is the value of children in the divorce equation? To what extent does their stake in the family count? Does their pain matter? To what extent should responsible adults be expected to negotiate, compromise, and sacrifice their personal happiness for the sake of the children?

7. Can parents “parent” effectively when there are two households and a divided parental unit?

8. If divorce is saturated by private shame, public failure, and social embarrassment, what are the odds of making a full recovery? What does the recovery process involve? Is there such a thing as a “valuable divorce?”


  1. Yaay! More posts. Come on, you guys can’t be that busy. Kidding. ;D

    Comment by Julia — October 13, 2009 @ 4:55 am

  2. yes i do agree with you parents should be live together for the sake of childerns future it put bad impact on their future.

    Comment by Rayan — November 14, 2009 @ 2:07 am

  3. Excellent written! I would think a lot …

    Comment by NimCrigo — May 8, 2010 @ 3:24 pm

  4. Wow, wonderful blog post! I even have shown this to my friends!

    Comment by MayaLee — July 31, 2010 @ 10:34 am

  5. Very well written!

    Comment by Driegeexiblet — August 3, 2010 @ 9:44 am

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