Learning how to put your foot down (standing up for something you believe in; for example, a principle) while holding your head up high (believing in yourself, clinging to competence and sustaining confidence) involves gumption - a form of psychic gasoline.
Putting your foot down predictably, when someone does something that crosses a line, teaches people to take you seriously. It all starts with having a reasoned or emotionally honest opinion. Next, framing this opinion with a few choice words (such as, “I disagree,” or “That’s not my cup of tea,” or “We see things quite differently”). The key is to make your stance well known by living out loud with generous and kind-spirited intention.
Staying open to feedback strengthens your reputation.
Standing up for yourself without putting the other person down. This involves bravely and squarely standing on the shoulders of the relationship so to gain greater persepective. Once sufficiently elevated so that you gain a three-way perspective (your view, your partner’s view, and the view of the relationship), your next move is to connect with the other person by stepping into their emotional reality. Remember, without connection, communication is nearly impossible.
Once connected, your next move is give voice to your internal experience. Be factual and emotionally honest. Weave into the story elements of your truth about what is missing. Nothing is wrong with explaining your sadness or showing your anger or revealing what scares you so much. Just remember to attach your truth with a dash of three-way perspective. When you give dimension to your most basic emotions, you are sending a direct invitation to the other person to reenter your life. This is how our greatest desire is met. This is the heart of intimacy - connecting in order to communicate.
When life throws a curve ball our direction, the tendency is to flip the default switch and rapidly make sense out of the uncertainty of the moment. Since a “quick” decision is necessary - thanks to evolutionary reflexes - we heavily rely upon our learning history and biographical background to regain our balance. The problem with this strategy is that it relies upon old thinking and, by its very nature, roadblocks us from seeing the situation anew. In short, this tendency to throw the default switch almost guarantees that we will revisit a familiar time and experience a familiar emotional reality.
But, what if you’re wrong?
What if the situation requires new thinking? In this type of situation, it is argued, the knowledge we possess is the culprit that prevents the development of a new way of thinking. What if the only way to grow is to choose to learn as opposed to judge? Can we rethink about a situation by choosing to think in a new way?
The key to moving in this direction and experience an UNSTUCKNESS to your situation is to first ask yourself the simple and humbling question, “What if you’re wrong?” By doing so, you allow yourself the opportunity to rediscover the humanity of the person throwing the curve ball.
Stated another way, when life throws the curve ball, instead of ducking or getting hit, use your common sense (which is defined as the combination of all senses) and catch the ball. Then, after contemplating such things as intention versus impact, certainty versus possibility, and destructive knowing versus compassionate tolerance, lob the ball back. See what happens next.
