Marriages are wonderful as long as they are working. When marriages stop working, then everything else in life becomes a bit more challenging. Complicating this reality further is the fact that marriages typically stop working “out of the blue” and when we least expect them to.
When marriages get upside-down not only do we lose the sense of where we belong, but we also lose our balance as well as a piece of who we are. Amidst this experience of compounded loss, any type of similar loss in our past comes rushing back to us. Flooded by both current and past relational trauma, it is easy to get off course in our marriage and lose sight of our long-term destination.
A great way of getting back “in-control” of the situation, as opposed to the situation “controlling” you, is to give the moment a name. When appropriately labeled, it is much easier for both partners to see the problem as the problem as opposed to seeing the other person as the problem. This is where the idea of the “MARITAL KNOT” originated. If you think about what it feels like to disconnect from your parnter, it is likely you experience it as a type of knot in your stomach. Or, perhaps you’re the kind of person who experiences all kinds of thoughts that get tangled up together in one big knot. By calling the moment of disconnection a “KNOT,” it is possible to express to your partner what you are experiencing inside without the other person becoming defensive, judgmental, or critical.
Learning how to untie the KNOT is a topic for another day. But learning how to recognize a moment of disconnection and giving it a name out loud, will go a long way to decrease the conflict and likely avoid further escalation. Not bad for merely having the courage to say out loud the truth.
A basic truism about our humanity is that we are most likely to hurt people we are closest to.
Consequently, it is relationships that produce are highest highs and lowest lows. During times of mutual intimacy, we literally feel “on top of the world.” The pleasure enjoyed from such deep connection makes everything seem worthwhile. Our thoughts turn toward the future with hopeful optimism. During such times, life flows.
By contrast, when the flow stops, a cascade of unwelcomed experiences is felt - emotions darken, thoughts turn negative, and our body begins to protest. It is during these times we feel “harmed.” The quickest way to go from a moment of connection to disconnection is when someone “pushes our buttons.” The two most common and predictable types of buttons include:
- being MISTREATED, or
- being MISUNDERSTOOD
When or the other or both occur, what is being “pushed” is our greatest fear. When someone does something that we believe to be an intentional infliction of harm, the experience is one of abandonment or rejection. Either way, when a button is pushed we become unattached or disconnected from the relationship we most desire and need. The antidote for button pushing is learning how to stand up for yourself without putting the other person down.
In order to make meaningful and lasting contact with another person, the idea of “relationship math” has been created. Everyone knows that within the world of basic math, 1+1=2. However, this same question reveals a radically different answer when asked within the world of relationship math.
How much is 1+1?
Your answer to this question suggests your current level of natural relationship skills. If you answered “1″ it is likely you thought about the tradition of unity, which represents a whole. While this answer speaks to an important aspect of togetherness, it is not the right answer. If you answered “2,” then you likely thought about “me” and “you.” Again, while this is not entirely off track as, indeed, there exists two people in every relationship. But this is not the right answer. If you answered “3,” then BINGO, you know more than most.
Inside every important relationship exists three factors that count - you, me, and US. A person possesses a high level of relational skills when they focus on US just as much as they emphasize ME or YOU.
