Stress magnifies everything.  For example, a child is poky when getting their morning clothes on.  Under the pressure of getting the kids fed, lunches packed, teeth brushed, coats put on, driving in traffic, and getting to work on time to make an important presentation, in your mind, your child’s pokiness turns into disrespect and inconsideration. Consequently, operating within this frame of mind, it not uncommon for us to explode by YELLING at our child. Actually, your child’s pokiness is likely due to plain old tiredness or a biological preference for traveling in a lower gear in the morning.

Your yelling signals an important message - you’re probably a combination of overwhelmed, exhausted, battle-torn or alone. Some people might tell you to STOP yelling. I don’t think that is realistic. Instead, I believe it is more helpful to focus on trying to CATCH YOURSELF yelling. Too many times when we yell, we stay attached to the emotional explosion of the moment. Perhaps, if we learn to listen to our yelling we may get better at having our yelling signal to us that something really big is happening in our lives and that we need help, support, guidance, or perhaps just a little bit of reassurance.

Many parents have asked me to widdle down my parenting advice into basic tips that can be returned to time and again.  The following list represent my best shot at boiling basic parenting down into various TIPS.

1. Love & Limits - Remember to care as much as you set limits (discipline) and discipline because you care. This can be done by moving forward with a balance of firmness and kindness. 
2. Attention - Don’t bother talking unless you have your child’s attention.  The key is getting your child’s attention without raising your voice. This is done by talking about what matters and talking at your child’s level of understanding. 
3. Clarity - After getting your kids attention, tell them clearly what you have to say. Follow up your comment with something like “Was that clear or do you need me to make is even clearer?”
4. Consequences - There are three types of consequences: natural, logical and relational. Much has been written about the first two. It is the third type of consequence that I believe wins the day. More will be written about relational consequences in different blogs.
5. Consistency - Doing the same thing over and over again, as long as it works, makes parenting much easier. When in doubt, return to what works.
6. Know the Difference Between Healthy & Unhealthy - Teaching yourself to catch you kids doing what’s expected (acting good), is a powerful intervention that pays dividends as it reinforces the message as to what “good” behavior looks and feels like in the moment. 
7. Know Your Child’s Development Stage - Every child passes through various stages of development. Knowing these stages allows you to accurately gauge your child’s behavior and adjust your expectations accordingly.  

Many people ask about the basics of parenting. This is an important question because when things get out of control it always sage advice to “get back to basics.”  There are two things every child needs and, when provided, most children are able to effectively cope with life’s challenges and engage in reasonably good problem solving and decision making skills. What are these two things? 

1. The first thing every child needs is to know that their parent(s) are okay. Parents don’t need to be happy, wealthy or even wise, they just need to be OKAY. This means that from the perspective of the child, their parent is not struggling too much with any one thing. 
2. The second thing every child needs is to know that they matter. The child does not have to “special” or perfect. They need to know that in the eye’s of someone important that they matter. A good way to show your child that they matter is to “talk about” them to others. When a child over hears a parent talking about them in a positive way, this gets the child’s attention and they tend to believe these “off the cuff” comments.