A basic truism about our humanity is that we are most likely to hurt people we are closest to.
Consequently, it is relationships that produce are highest highs and lowest lows. During times of mutual intimacy, we literally feel “on top of the world.” The pleasure enjoyed from such deep connection makes everything seem worthwhile. Our thoughts turn toward the future with hopeful optimism. During such times, life flows.
By contrast, when the flow stops, a cascade of unwelcomed experiences is felt - emotions darken, thoughts turn negative, and our body begins to protest. It is during these times we feel “harmed.” The quickest way to go from a moment of connection to disconnection is when someone “pushes our buttons.” The two most common and predictable types of buttons include:
- being MISTREATED, or
- being MISUNDERSTOOD
When or the other or both occur, what is being “pushed” is our greatest fear. When someone does something that we believe to be an intentional infliction of harm, the experience is one of abandonment or rejection. Either way, when a button is pushed we become unattached or disconnected from the relationship we most desire and need. The antidote for button pushing is learning how to stand up for yourself without putting the other person down.
In order to make meaningful and lasting contact with another person, the idea of “relationship math” has been created. Everyone knows that within the world of basic math, 1+1=2. However, this same question reveals a radically different answer when asked within the world of relationship math.
How much is 1+1?
Your answer to this question suggests your current level of natural relationship skills. If you answered “1″ it is likely you thought about the tradition of unity, which represents a whole. While this answer speaks to an important aspect of togetherness, it is not the right answer. If you answered “2,” then you likely thought about “me” and “you.” Again, while this is not entirely off track as, indeed, there exists two people in every relationship. But this is not the right answer. If you answered “3,” then BINGO, you know more than most.
Inside every important relationship exists three factors that count - you, me, and US. A person possesses a high level of relational skills when they focus on US just as much as they emphasize ME or YOU.
Life gets tough at times. When overworked, overstressed, and overwhelmed, our tendency is to shut down and retreat inwards. This is the seed of many mood disorders, such as depression, anxiety, etc. To find our way out of this trap it is important to know about three very different worlds. First, there is the OUTSIDE world. This is where “they” live and where many forms of stress come from (work, marriage, children). Second, there is the INSIDE world. This is where our emotions, thoughts, memories and bodily sensations live. Unfortunately, when life gets tough, the outside and inside worlds do not interact, there is no bridge that connects these two worlds. This is where the third world comes in - the SHARED world. When a person steps on the bridge and crosses over from the outside world into your inside world, a connection is made and life gets a bit better. Knowing how to step onto and walk along the bridge involves a degree of relationship savvy. Although tricky to learn, by mastering the third world, we experience a level of connection that brings about much anticipated peace.
Perhaps a bit like when we were much younger, learning how to “share” is key to a great relationship.
