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valuableDIVORCE™
The ending of a
marriage has become commonplace in our culture. The trend of marital
dissolution in America over the last two decades has resulted in a
“divorce culture.” This continues to occur despite the undesirable,
long term consequences of divorce on adults and children.
Many experts agree
that divorce is not only one of the most stressful events in life,
for adults and children, but the adjustment to divorce is a
complicated and cumulative process that unfolds over a long period
of time.
Although
commonplace, divorce remains a unique and challenging process for
every couple. There is no one “right way” to go about it. However,
without a map, destination, timetable, or plan, the disruption and
distress caused by divorce can often linger long after the divorce
event occurs.
Divorce: A Perfect Solution? Divorce, on the surface, seems
like a perfect solution. It is the ultimate avoidance strategy
toward ending pain and increasing pleasure. No more “you, me or us”
to cause emotional hurt, create unmet needs, or living in unending
conflict. Divorce will bring relief. However, there is a flaw to the
“perfect solution.” What is it? It’s the ongoing collision of two
lives and personal realities, separated only by a thin piece of
paper proclaiming the legal dissolution of a relationship. Divorce
may mark the end of a marriage, but it does not mark the end of a
family. Family is a never-ending connection of lives through the
children of divorce. Divorce may signal the end of many challenges
that marriage brought. However, it often sets in motion a whole new
set of problems. That’s the flaw. Quick and careless divorce seems
like a “perfect solution” today, but is actually an illusion based
on false hopes and inaccurate assumptions. Think being married was
difficult? Managing a divorced relationship, that requires two
people to continue to interact on behalf of their offspring for
decades to come, is extraordinarily complex and distressing. Divorce
is an uninvited reality that revisits your internal and external
world frequently, often without warning, and in ways that you hardly
expected.
That’s The Way
It’s Done, Right?
The concept of
valuableDIVORCE™
is a radical
departure from the time-honored tradition of using a divorce event
as a vehicle for creating untold suffering.
So why would anyone want to undertake such a risky and unfamiliar
venture such as having a valuable divorce when you can mindlessly
follow the established protocol of mutual animosity, emotional
turmoil, and unprincipled behavior in gaining reprisal while
violating one’s own core values? The answer is, so you don’t have
to.
The motive is even more basic. Your “family” continues to exist long
after the legal dissolution of the relationship. The goal here is
not to irreparably harm the family out of pettiness, but to redefine
it on a bi-nuclear concept based on shared values, mutual respect,
and social responsibility.
The process of divorce is a choice, not a mandate. It can be
wellness-oriented or pathology-oriented. If it has to happen, which
would you prefer?
Is there
hope?
Yes. You can overcome the effects of divorce and move on with your
life. Your kids can too. But this requires an intentional end to the
illusion of divorce being a simple and pain-free event that is
limited to a single point in time.
It also involves moving away from a one-sided, passive
victim-oriented change process (i.e., you want this and are doing it
to me, and I don’t want this) to a two-sided, active, and
collaborative one (i.e., we both agree to do this together for the
best interests of our family).
Ok, So What Do We
Do?
Divorce therapy operates differently than couples therapy. Our
primary mission is to reconstruct the purpose and direction of
the relationship, factoring in the current or impending reality of a
marriage that is ending. A primary goal is to “heal the
relationship” regardless of its legal status, and to learn and grow
from one of life’s most difficult challenges.
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- 50% of men, and 44-52% of women, over age 45 had
their first marriage end in divorce (avg. 7-8 yrs).
- 10% of all adults in 2000 at some point were
divorced; up from 8.3% in 1990, 6.2% in 1980, and 3.2% in 1970.
- 26% of households in 2000 were people living
alone, up from 25% in 1990.
- Marital disruption results in much poorer
economic circumstances for women than for men.
- 77% of men and 73% of women, under 45, remarry
after divorce. 50% remarry within 3 years.
U.S.
Census Bureau’s 2000 Census (Divorce Trends, 2004; Households by Type,
2004; Median Age at First Marriage, 2004; U.S. Department of Commerce,
2001, 2003) |
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valuableDIVORCE™
is simply "Divorce that works." It
intentionally underscores the importance of being aware of, and
consistently committed to, one’s values before, during and after a
divorce. This commitment makes it is easier to do the “right”
thing, even when you believe that divorce was the “worst” thing
that could have happened to your family.
Simply put,
combining the words “valuable” and “divorce” offers a way of moving
beyond the stigma or perceived shame of divorce, and focusing on
what matters most – being committed to the wellbeing of your
family regardless of its structure.
Divorce that works
involves changing one’s mindset. It involves moving from a past
orientation of who we use to be, and what we have/have not done,
to a future-oriented vision that focuses on two
separated but interconnected lives that operate according to a
new contract defined by our core values
Divorce that works
involves reconstructing the family according to a new set of rules,
behaviors, expectations, roles, and responsibilities that are
consistent with your shared values, and making a commitment to live
it out for the higher calling of preserving your family. |
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